Many years ago, I lived in Cape Town, South Africa. And last week with the rain lashing down here in England on yet another day and the skies slate grey outside, I was reminiscing of sunnier days spent in Cape Town, with my daughter running round the garden and glorious Table Mountain, shrouded in its tablecloth of thin white clouds, statuesque and solid behind the house where I lived.
I also remembered a time I was out shopping at the local equivalent of Sainsbury's. We were just by the vegetable section near the entrance, standing with our trolley, when my mother-in-law nudged me with her elbow and said, ‘look over there’. I turned and saw an elderly man and lady pushing their shopping trolley. ‘It's Desmond Tutu and his wife’, she whispered to me. And it was! I couldn’t believe my eyes. Golly, what a moment that was for me.
And remembering this wonderful moment of joy in my life, I reached for my copy of The Book of Joy - Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
The book celebrates when the two men met for a week in Dharamsala in April 2015 to enjoy their friendship and create something which might be a gift for others. Their co- writer, Douglas Abrams, was charged with interviewing them over the course of a week. He then wove their voices together offering his own as a narrator. They wanted to share their views and experiences, and also what scientists and others have found, of what can be considered to be the wellsprings of joy. ‘We are sharing what two friends, from very different worlds, have witnessed and learned in our long lives. We hope you will discover whether what is included here is true by applying it in your own life’.
Desmond Tutu, Archbishop Emeritus of Southern Africa, who died in December 2021, said on another occasion, ‘God's dream is that you and I and all of us will realise that we are family, that we are made for togetherness, for goodness, and for compassion.
Compassion is such a beautiful word. It comes from the Latin meaning to suffer with. It entered old English via old French and late Latin in the 14th century. It is an emotional response. It is noticing suffering and being moved by it, having empathy and taking action to improve the situation.
Compassion is a natural human tendency that can be nurtured. It is linked to feelings of care, warmth and respect. Compassion says ‘I see your suffering. I care. You're not alone’.
And self- compassion involves kindness and understanding towards ourself rather than harsh criticism. Many of us speak to ourselves in ways that we would never speak to others. Compassion, especially towards ourselves, isn't just soft or indulgent. It can build resilience, clarity and deeper connection.
One way in which we can foster compassion is through Loving-kindness meditation.
Research in psychology and neuroscience has shown that Loving-kindness meditation increases activity in brain regions related to empathy and emotional regulation. It lowers inflammatory responses associated with chronic stress and can improve overall well-being and life satisfaction.
Loving-kindness meditation (also called Metta Bhavana) is a heart-centred practice that cultivates feelings of warmth, love, goodwill, connection and unconditional friendliness towards ourselves and others. It is simple, gentle, and may be deeply transformative.
In a way it trains the heart just as mindfulness trains attention.
Loving-kindness meditation involves silently repeating phrases of goodwill while visualising different people including ourselves, and eventually all beings. Common phrases include:
- May I/you be happy.
- May I/you be healthy.
- May I/you be safe.
- May I/you live with ease.
The aim is not to force emotion, but to gently plant seeds of kindness.
We can allow the words to settle. If feelings arise, we can notice them and return to the phrases. If they don’t, that’s okay too.
We may notice softening in the body or heart. Or not.
Sometimes, at first, the practice may feel a bit mechanical or difficult to tune into. Some people may feel warmth in their chest. Others may feel resistance or numbness. Sometimes strong emotions may arise. All of this is normal.
If the experience feels challenging at any point, you can always just focus on your breath or open your eyes and engage with your five senses by gently looking around the room. Or find a meditation teacher who can guide and support you. Loving-kindness is a skill that grows with repetition. It can be a really beautiful practice.
And do read The Book of Joy…its wonderful so far; and I’ve noticed that there’s a chapter at the end on Joy Practices which includes a Compassion meditation!
Catherine Thomlinson